Puppet Strings
by Love Me Less
Summary: Alright this is almost a journey..of a girl who has more of a hard life then anyone could imagine..not much more to say..read and find out..i didnt know which catagory to put this in so i stuck it sum wheres..Sorry if you were expecting something else.
1. My Blood

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Puppet Strings

~Almost forgot which hand was my left and which was my right. Thats pretty stupid ya know..lol. Anyways i wont call my self a writer. Its more of an experiment. Anyways please read my story Puppet Strings and tell me what you think..Much Luv 33..Oh wait! A quick Note: You steel my shit, I'll track you down, and kill you in detail, video taping it and sending it to your family for Chanukkah. GOT IT?!?! ~ 

Puppet Strings 

[ mood | accomplished and tired ] 

[ music | Nobody's listening - Linkin Park ] 

If I could change anything about the world, it would be people's belief in God. That he is not everything that they make him out to be. If you have to see to believe, then why do all of these people believe in something, that none of us have ever seen?! I will never again believe in anything that I have not seen or is not standing before me. 

I begin to wonder as I had many times before. It seems like I have been here for days, weeks, months, years. I can only yern for an escape from this so called life. I'd rather see my own blood surround me on the pavement, or see my body hanging from a rope before I would stay here any longer. 

I don't feel like speaking to you now. You are not my advisor or my guide as it seems like everyone lets you be. I've always heard everyone say with great power comes great responsibility. Yet when you abuse this right, you will somehow lose it. Could we ever lose everything that we hold so close? 

It would seem as if you clasp it in your hands you will either break it, or it will slide through your fingers like fine grains of sand. 

'If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, that we're all okay. And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless. I won't be ideled with despair. I'll wrap myself around my faith, and fight the darkness most fear.' 

I say those simple words of the song over and over in my mind. Even if the rest of it doesn't make sense to go along with saying we are 'God's' in any sense. It's not that I don't believe, it's that I don't wish to worship the one that will kill me in the end. 

Why should someone decide what is your time and what isn't? No one should be able to have that type of power. 

I walk over to the tree, the one that has the names of myself and his carved into it. I sit facing towards the lake, yanking at the chains that bind me to my core. The feel as if they are embedded in my skin, and only could be cut out. 

Self mutilation is beautiful to me. 

I crawl over to the lake, dipping my hand in, I start to paint against the darkened ground. The shapes come to my mind, and I make them appear with my blood. I smile down at the words I had realized I had wrote. 

"I hate you." 

Bright as it seems to be fresh. I finish off by wiping the metallic tasting substance against my leg, and down the opposite arm. I want to bathe in my own blood, and sing the song of my journey, my life. The one that will be heard for years to come. 

Finally, I stood to my feet, walking away from the lake to a figure in the darkness. Could it be you? Is he still out there?! I feel my heart start to drop in the pit of my stomach. Only seeing is believing, but if you have to see, do you really still want to believe? 

I am only haunted by the images of the past, and taunted by the fears that consume me. I have started to second guess myself. There is nothing to fear amongst the darkness. There are only shadows. These shadows cannot speak to me, nor touch me. If this is the simplicity of my surroundings, how come I can not break free from a shadows hold? 

I begin to ponder these continuous questions that intrude the thoughts I try to escape. Forever it seems to me, I will be stuck in this desolate land. The one no other mortal being has stepped upon. The paths are ones of my own, the ones I have walked down, trying to find my way out. I stand to my feet, walking along over the hills, up and down again. 

I began to speak out loud to myself, to him, to the one that was holding me here. He will object to what I have to say, but this time, it is not to him, but to the world. 

"Falling, I'm falling.. into this brief yet never-ending eternity. Looking into the pure, bitter-sweet darkness. My new home, and I'm here to stay." 

The words seem to fall, drifting to the darkened ground like blinding white snowflakes. Beautiful, all in it's own way. I don't bother looking up into the dreary sky above me, I already know you are listening to me. You always listen, but you do not stop me from speaking the words against you. 

"Wishing I was gone, into the blankness of nothing. Yearning to be cut from the puppet strings, that bound me here for ever after. Knowing.. more is out there." 

I take a deep breath of the foul air that has accompanied me throughout the days it seems I have spent here. 

"So close, yet so very far away. Innocent angelic whispers, only above me and nothing more. Blinding white that surrounds me, just on the walls. But walking over this black ground. When it's never forever, nor here to stay." 

I smirk as I feel the wind start to blow against my back, tossing the darkened strands of hair away from my deathly pale face. A smile starts to spread across my face out of practically no where it seems, I continue with my poem. 

"Looking for the light, at the end of the tunnel, that's not really there. Cut me free and let me see, just what this desolate new world, will bring to me." 

I start to spin in circles, walking along the hills, and into the lake, I don't care anymore. I have simply, let go. 

"Alone, I'm alone.. and the walls are closing in. But what you don't see, is what will never truly end. Never really alone.. but no one is around. This is my sanctuary, this is where I'm bound." 

I continue my spinning act, until I feel as if I will pass out. Falling back, into the lake, I lay on my back, floating in my own despair. I close my eyes as I continue on with my poem. 

"From this dream, I'll never wake, from this life, I put at stake. It felt so real like.. you were really there." 

I begin to drift into another state of mind, trailing back to the times before with him. The ones where I still wouldn't talk, where I still held onto a dream.. the one of us together. 

"But knowing you're far away. Touching you, holding you, but only you're the reason, that I'm lost inside myself. Now when everything is dark, and I'm not to be found. Drifting into the darkness, land of no sight nor sound. Chasing after something that, I could have only imagined, but when you wake up.. I'll be gone.. because..." 

I feel my body start to sink below the surface. The falling sensation, becoming over my body as I never seem to hit the bottom. My eyes are opened wide, as I keep speaking. 

"Falling, I'm falling.. into this darkened doorway. One not of my own, and never it will be again. There was no light at the end.. just darkness." 

I quickly regain composure, and try to push myself back up to the surface of the surrounding blood. After a struggle of a few more moments, I reach the top, and take in a deep breath, pushing the hair away from my eyes as I peer around. 

"Eternal.. darkness." 

If gaining back everything I have ever lost meant giving my soul away to the one that could hurt me the most, I would do it in a heartbeat. The price to pay is worth the very air you breathe. Taking the very life from your body and bringing yourself into the light beyond the darkness of the world. 

If you were caught up in your own nightmare, would you be able to take control, or would you let them take over? 

I finally manage to walk out of the lake, drenched in my own blood the color stained against my skin. I hear the laughter. The laughter that has followed me through this life and the one before. Sometimes, I wish that I could disappear in the darkness beyond the hills and never return to this place. 

I glare down at the ground, my eyes narrowed, and hands clenched into fists. 

"What do you want?" 

I add with emphasis towards him. 

"I am in no mood to deal with your foolish immortal ways at the moment." 

I release the words at him like archers with their arrows towards the target. 

"I have only come to say, I enjoyed your little speech, or poem, as you would like to say." 

I smirk, hearing the words that are so insincere. 

"Yes, I am sure you did." 

I reply sarcastically. 

"I hence a bit of sarcasm in your last statement. Why would you ever doubt me, Malakai?" 

I cringe under the thought of him saying my name. Him, speaking to me directly. 

"I have every reason to doubt you, God. If that is who you really are, since it is who you proclaim to be. You have shown me no reason to trust, or to believe you in that matter. You are just as insignificant as I am to the rest of the world." 

"Tsk, tsk now, dear. You should never think of yourself as a lower class to the rest of the world." 

"Oh, and why is that? Because I am your 'chosen one' or is it because I'M FUCKING CRAZY?!?!?!" 

I scream up at him, my eyes now moving to the sky, still narrowed, and set with a dangerous glare upon him. I was intimidated by him before, but now, learning that there is nothing left to fear, but fear itself. I've learned that the world is an unjustified and cruel place. Sometimes, harder on some then others. 

"You are not crazy, Malakai. Just a bit out of place amongst the rest of the world." 

I sneer at your comment, my lips curling up, as I shake my head. 

"Out of place?!?! OUT OF PLACE!??!?! You.. have no idea. Sure, people believe you are some high and mighty person that controls what happened to everyone. But really, I think you were just as I was. Alone. Lost. And sick of being messed with by the realist of the world. Maybe I did just want to get away, and you followed me here. You are not God. You are just another person. I believe you are a figment of my imagination. The dead stay dead, they don't come back. They do not speak either for that matter. I have created you, I can kill you." 

I start rambling off the first things that come to mind, realizing I have just made a fool of myself all over again. It doesn't matter now. The words are just words, the emotions are empty, and there is nothing left. 

"If that is what you truly believe, then why haven't you left? Why are the strings still there, and Why are you not with him? The one you think you love. The one I created so that you would be able to spend the hours of the day with, latched onto him like a little child." 

I cringe again when he starts to talk about him. The one. The only. I start to yank at the ropes that had now turned to chains, unmercifully. I want them out. I want them off! I will prevail, even if I kill myself in the process. 

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!" 

I scream at the top of my lungs into the misty sky. Silver bits of fog twirl amongst the midnight sky. The wind is starting to pick up as I twirl about in circles, my head pointed towards the sky. 

For the first time being here, I feel the trickles of water against my face. The washing away of my blood, my sin, my life. All I wanted to do was live, I never wanted to be in the middle of a horrific nightmare. One.. not even of my own mind. 

"I'm afraid I cannot do that, dear. You and only you, can find the way out. All you have to do, is find the key, that opens all the locks." 

I finally stop my spinning about and fall to the ground. I lay there, in the rain, being washed away of everything. But when I close my eyes this time, I'm falling again. As quickly as they close, they jerk open. Only.. to find myself back in my house, on the floor. 

I stare up at the people that are surrounding me, and the lightening outside the window, the pitter-patter of the drops of rain against the roof, that is after a few moments, driving me insane. 

The people gawk, they stare, they point. I have no idea why they are doing such a thing, but as I put my hand to my face.. I realize that just as in the place before, I am wet, and covered in this thick liquid. I do not bring my face in front of my eyes, I already know what is there. 

~Next chapter up soon~ Please tell me what you think.~


	2. The Hospital

How can you escape a reality that's not one anyone believes in? Once you find out the truth, do you really want to believe in it? I know I wouldn't...  
  
I'm not sure where exactly they took me after I realized what had really happened. I woke up what seemed like a week later, to only realize that it was three the next afternoon. If you had taken away everything that had just happened in the last two days, I could be dead by now, and none of this would even matter.   
  
"Breathe..."   
  
I tell myself as I look around and see I'm actually in a hospital. My breath quickens regardless, as I start to hypervenilate. I close my eyes and shake my head, only to feel a jolt of pain streak through my body.  
  
"Goddamnit.."   
  
I spat as I stopped, and looked around again. I reach for the cord hanging beside my bed, and press the button.   
  
Ah, a nurse call. I see a rather large woman wearing a white uniform rush in.   
  
"Anything wrong?"   
  
She asked in a rather concerned manner.  
  
"Where the fuck is everyone?"  
  
I spat out, trying to stop my head from seeming like it was spinning.  
  
"Miss, your family is out in the waiting area, shall I call for them?"   
  
"Yeah, whatever."  
  
I sound so mean, as I slightly smirk to myself as the room finally comes to an hault. I lay back, looking up at the ceiling. The white tiles criss-crossed one another. I lifted my hand up and started to make patterns with them.   
  
Then suddenly I stopped. I turned the direction of the door, when I heard the familiar sound of the heel of army boots tapping against the black and white checkered tile floor.   
  
"Malakai.."   
  
The simple words that were spoken, and the sound of an oh-so familiar voice again.  
  
"What are you doing here?"   
  
I looked over at him, my eyes narrowing as I glared.  
  
"What, Did you come to say you were sorry for leaving me again? Yeah, I don't blame you Xander, I really fucking don't."   
  
I looked him over. The long slightly curled black hair lay down over his shoulders. His narrow, high cheeked bone, slightly dark complexioned face looked back at mine. His eyes, dark brown in colour seemed almost life-less as I had spoken the words.  
  
"I.. you're right... "   
  
Was all I heard of the next words he spoke.  
  
"I know I am.."   
  
I said in a softer more mellow tone.   
  
"Come here."   
  
I told him, reaching out my rather small hand out towards him. He came and took hold of it, looking down at me once again.  
  
"I will never forgive you if you do this again... I shouldn't even this time. Look where it ended me up at."   
  
He looked down over me, and brushed the bits of tattered hair away from my forhead. He let out a slight gasp at what he saw.   
  
"Mal... your.. what did you do?!"   
  
He studdered until he spat it out.   
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"   
  
I looked up at him, arching my left eyebrow just slightly.   
  
"Your head.. what did you do to it?"   
  
He continued looking at it his eyes wide, seeming in a state of shock. He grabbed a hand mirror from off the dresser against the wall. I took the plastic handle into my hand, lifting it in front of my face. Solid white. I looked solid white.   
  
I didn't realize what he was talking about until a moment later when I brought it up higher and saw the dark red cross scratched deep into the middle of my forehead.   
  
"What.. the.. fuck.."   
  
I dropped the mirror as it fell to the floor, I watched my reflection smash into a million pieces of broken glass. He had branded me..  
  
I was owned..   
I was his...


	3. Dreaming

[ Mood: accomplished ]

[ Music: Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong ]

I never felt like I was special. Never thought that something so peculiar, so.. immoral would ever happen to me. But being brought into something where you are branded, taken for granted, then abandon. was far from what I thought it was going to be about.   
  
After grasping the reality of what had happened, Xander stayed by my side for once. I never thought he would leave so I could sleep. And sleep, I needed.   
  
My so called 'family' came. They saw me, and I thought they were all going to break out into this mass orgy conniption fit type thing. The irony of the situation, portraying is that I'm Jewish.  
  
With an extremity of a cross now carved into your forehead, yeah, it stirs up just a bit of controversy. I feel like Eminem entering the home of Charlotte Church or something. I smirked at the thought of this. Only to bring it to my own humor, and maybe later Xander's.  
  
They soon left after that. Everyone. Well, almost everyone. Xander stayed. He slept on the remissness of what looked like a couch, but slightly smaller. I felt sorry for him, seeing his legs hang off over the side. but couldn't help that it did look on the slightly amusing side.  
  
Myself on the other hand, I was stuck in this damned hospital bed. I felt like I was being help captive in a padded room or something. The tubes, and needles, and bags, and machine's. Everything looked up to my body like I was some type of lab rat.   
  
I couldn't take much more of it. I dared not close my eyes when it was dark outside. The immense fear, or anxiety that I would get swept away again, would creep over me. Finally feeling a bit of pity on him, I called out.   
  
"Xander..."   
  
He stirred a bit, mumbling a few things in his own way.   
  
"Xander..!"   
  
I called out to him again, and he lifted his head from the couch. His cheek was red from the material he had been laying on, and the slight droplets of drool from his face to the couch. I rolled my eyes, smirking slightly. I moved over, and patted the bed next to me. He quickly obliged, getting up and crawling in beside me.   
  
I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me tightly to him. I felt safe here now. Though the funny thing is.. No matter where you go, or who you're with. You are never.. Never safe.   
  
I placed my hand on his head, running my delicate fingers through the locks of black curls, as I watched him drift back into his own sleep. Then it hit me.. The great need for sleep now.  
  
I leaned back in the bed, fighting the urges to close my eyes, but quickly gave in. As soon as they closed I was gone. Back into the world.  
  
"Goddamnit."   
  
I said out loud as I looked around the oh-so-familar surroundings. I heard that laugh, saw the face, the hands, the image of God.   
  
"What do you want with me now?"  
  
I spat at him, a terrible sense of hatred towards him. He just laughed. That same echoing, hallow laugh. I scowled at the sound.  
  
"Nothing my dear, just figured how I would see how my favourite subject was doing."   
  
"SUBJECT?!?! You fucking branded me you bastard!"   
  
"Tsk, tsk, Malakai, is that any way to talk to your elders?"   
  
I hated the mockery. The strong sense of authority he sent out, and flooded me with every time.  
  
"I do not have respect for those who use others to be able to wash out their own self-pity."   
  
He sneered at the thought. I just smiled. I hate hit a point already. Only a few moments into his little game again, and I had already started to overpower.   
  
"Touche."  
  
I smirked.  
  
"Now then, if you have nothing more to do with me, I'll just be going."  
  
"Going? Where do you think you're going now? No one wants to see you there. That poor lad, what do you think he's doing there? Do you think he actually cares about you? Wrong my child, think again."   
  
I laughed at the words. His terrible attempts to fight me off again, they would never work.   
  
"You cannot hurt me. You should really, really give up."  
  
"OFF WITH YOU!"   
  
I heard him yell, and it made me cringe. I felt the warmth rush over me as I fell back down into the bed. I jumped, sitting upright.   
  
Xander was awake, looking at me. He had a strange, worried expression upon his face. He was holding a rag, one that had been being used to wipe away the perspiration from my forehead.   
  
"Mal...."   
  
He started and I shook my head.   
  
"I can't explain it.."  
  
I started but then he cut me off.   
  
"I see it too."   
  
I couldn't imagine that he would be the other.   
  
But then.. it all made sense.   
  
A sense.. of completion...


	4. Xander

[ mood: tired ]

[ music: Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park ]

What can you do when the only person you thought could save you is the same person that is where you are? I felt stunned, so shocked, like someone had just poured ice water over my body after running on the sun. I had never felt more confused, or anything of that matter then I did then.  
  
"What do you mean you can see it too? Why didn't you tell me?!"   
  
All the words came tumbling out at once. I had never felt so relieved, yet puzzled at the same exact time.  
  
"I didn't think you would understand. I always thought you would think I was crazy, and run away. That's why I went away from you. I didn't want to take you there."   
  
I looked at him, eyes wide, and mouth slightly gawked.   
  
"You ran away from me, while I was trying to run away from it... Makes perfect sense."   
  
I nodded, putting the pieces together a bit at a time.   
  
"After you stopped talking for so long, I knew you had been trapped there too. It was the time that you had tried to get away from it all after everything happened. I knew it would be you Malakai. You were the only one he could reach."   
  
His gaze turned down towards the floor as I knew he felt a sense of shame engulf him totally.  
  
"Xander... I stopped talking because I was scared. This could never be your fault. But, I do have a question for you... Who is he? Is he really... God?"   
  
The question sounded so blunt, and I didn't know whether or not I had done the right thing by throwing it out there like that. But I saw his head move up and down.  
  
"Yes, yes.. it is."   
  
"Then why would he hurt us, Xander?!?! Why would he do these terrible things?"   
  
I lifted up the strands of hair away from my forehead revealing the red cross etched into my skin.   
  
"Why would he want us to suffer, when he's the one that was supposed to save us from everything?!"  
  
I felt hot tears of frustration and fear mixed together start streaming down my cheeks as my voice had risen steadily just to fall. I wanted to close my eyes, and just make it go away. Go back to him and ask him why the fuck he was doing these things to us.   
  
"The path of the just is as a bright light that shineth brighter and brighter unto the perfect day."   
  
The psalms ran through my head. I had heard it before. Xander and I had come from two totally different backgrounds. Myself, Jewish and him Baptist. But brought together by just more then fate.   
  
Did he want to prove something, or just play with two people? I couldn't help but wonder as I started blankly at Xander now. He just shook his head.  
  
"I don't know, baby. I just... don't know."


End file.
